


i've grown tired of this body.

by millicnairewaltz



Series: stormtrooper in stilettos. [1]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: 1971, Angst, Crying in the Shower, Early 70s, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, I'm awful at tagging, Trans Brian May, Trans Character, brians struggling with his body, confusion about identity, freddie and roger are concerned, mtf, rest of the band are clueless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:54:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28710804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millicnairewaltz/pseuds/millicnairewaltz
Summary: If only his mother hadn't encouraged him the way she had. All the dresses, skirts, even a pair of short heels that she would dress him in as a child. The occasional makeover Brian would be given by his mum when she was getting all dressed up for the day and then telling him how pretty he was. Oh and all the dolls and other girlish toys she would buy for Christmas or his birthday. If it wasn't for those things then maybe Brian would be 'normal', and he knows it's unfair to put the blame on someone else, especially his own mother, but sometimes the truth is hard to accept.
Series: stormtrooper in stilettos. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2104644
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	i've grown tired of this body.

**Author's Note:**

> title; Body by Mother Mother
> 
> yo i'm like so infatuated with the 'trans!brian' theory and all that and i read a fanfic about it and it inspired me to write this. the fanfics called 'Supersonic (Wo)man' if you want to check it out which i think you should.
> 
> you can also find this story on wattpad under the same username :^)
> 
> hope you enjoy !!

It was just any other normal morning in the bands shared flat with Freddie and Roger fighting for who gets to use the shower first, Freddie being the loser in the end while the bands newfound member, John, was making pancakes for their breakfast. Brian would usually be the one making breakfast since the singer and drummer couldn't even boil an egg but instead the curly-haired man was still cosied up in his bed hiding himself as much as possible. Brian remembers back to the time where he had woken up to the smell of burning when the blond had tried to boil and egg in a pan without any water. He chuckled to himself at the memory but it died down quickly.

It was one of _those_ days. One of those days where it just felt wrong. Everything about him felt wrong. He couldn't gather the energy to get up, get dressed, brush his teeth, have a shower, none of it. His body didn't feel right, it didn't feel like _his._

Brian turned in his bed to face the wall just when there was a knock on the door.

"Brian? breakfast's ready" John called through the door. Brian sighed, he wasn't in the mood to eat anything so he didn't respond and hid himself under his duvet which then of course lead John to walk in to their shared room and over to Brians bed.  
"Brian" The bass player called in a whisper tone as to not startle the asleep looking guitarist. Brian pulled the duvet off of his face and turned his body under the sheets so that he was now facing his bandmate.   
"i made pancakes" John simply said as Brian sat up in his bed.

"i'll be there in a minute" Brian responded as he rubbed his eyes, hinting for John to leave so he could get dressed.

"might wanna hurry otherwise Roger will probably eat yours" John quipped as he walked over to the door and slowly shut it behind himself as he left.

The curly haired man sighed as he stood up and made his way to his wardrobe, flicking through to find the clothes he usually wore and days when he felt like this. Brian slipped on a pair of baggy grey jogging bottoms and a plain black oversized hoodie, feeling comfort in how his body shape wasn't out in the open.

It was strange how one day he could be completely confident in his body, confident enough to wear tight fitting shirts which showed off the flatness of his chest. But on days like this he couldn't bare the look of his chest, almost as if he could feel a missing weight there.

God, if only his mother hadn't encouraged him the way she had. All the dresses, skirts, even a pair of short heels that she would dress him in as a child. The occasional makeover Brian would be given by his mum when she was getting all dressed up for the day and then telling him how pretty he was. Oh and all the dolls and other girlish toys she would buy for Christmas or his birthday. If it wasn't for those things then maybe Brian would be 'normal', and he knows it's unfair to put the blame on someone else, especially his own mother, but sometimes the truth is hard to accept. Who was he really?

────────────

It had been days since he had last showered. He knows his bandmates had noticed but luckily they didn't say anything. Brians hair had began to look and feel greasy and was full of knots, he had began to smell a bit too.

And there he was, stood in the bathroom contemplating whether to undress and clean himself or not. Washing was just a normal thing that everybody did with ease, so why was it so difficult for him?

Slowly he pulled off the same hoodie he'd been wearing for days, facing away from the mirror not wanting to see his lanky self in it. He then began to take off the rest of his clothes and sighed, taking a few seconds of just standing there before stepping into the shower. Brian pulled the curtain across to block his view of the mirror but as he did, he caught a glimpse of himself and immediately felt warm tears well up in his eyes. He leant against the shower wall and slowly slipped down to the floor, resting his head on his knees and shaking with violent sobs.

────────────

"god is he done yet?" Roger asked in a scowl, looking in the direction of the bathroom. He and Freddie had been sitting on the floor of the living room, playing scrabble to bide their time as John was at school and Brian hadn't left his room all day except for going to the bathroom.  
"i really need a fucking piss" The drummer announced as he placed his letters down on the board.

"i think somethings up with him, maybe we should check up on hi-" The singer paused, looking at the word Roger had formed.  
"what the fuck is a 'moter'?" Freddie asked in a chuckle.

"is it not a word?" Roger replied.

"no it's not"

"shit." The blond stated angrily taking off his previous letters and eyeing the rest that he had, trying to think of another word he could make. He then looked back at the bathroom door, irritation written all over his face.  
"fuck it" He said as he got up and made his way over to the bathroom.  
"Bri, you almost done? i need a piss, mate" The drummer asked as he knocked on the door.

"it's unlocked" Brian faintly replied but loud enough for the blond to hear and so he opened the door going straight to the toilet to relieve himself. He finished and washed his hands about to open the door and leave Brian in peace again before remembering what Freddie had said a few minutes ago.

_'somethings up with him, maybe we should check up on hi-'_

"uh Bri? are you okay?" Roger asked facing the closed shower curtain.

"i-i'm fine.." Brian said with a croak. Roger could tell he wasn't.

"you've been in there a while, surely the waters gone cold by now" Roger said with a slight chuckle, trying to cheer up the slightly awkward tension that filled the room. Brian hadn't even noticed how cold the water was until the blond had mentioned it so he slowly lifted himself off the wet floor and turned the water off.

"i'll uh leave you in peace.." Roger awkwardly said before leaving and shutting the door behind him.

The curly haired man never actually managed to clean himself, instead he spent the whole time sobbing on the floor. He dried himself off, cringing as he got to that area and put his clothes back on again.

After a few minutes, Brian stepped out of the bathroom and moped over to his bedroom again, shutting the door behind him. Roger and Freddie exchanged a glance and Freddie spoke;

"i wonder what's going on with him"


End file.
